Internet service on Mars stinks to high heaven because of all the goddamn wind storms on the planet's surface but, every now and then, I'm able to make a connection and surf the World Wide Web on Earth. And, when, I do, I usually get bumped off right away. And after foraging for food and slugging it out with other bums and sucking stones all day for ancient salt, I usually have only three or four minutes out of each day to do any Web surfing. And that's mostly for posting this blog and then for checking out the Cable TV listings, don't ask me why. There is no television in the Mars underground. And no radio, either. We're lucky to have a half dozen old Commodore 64 PCs with their rinky-dink 28.8 bps modems to fool around with. And Mars, by the way, only has dial-up and that's like sending an email message by carrier pigeon. Come to think of it, if we had any pigeons out here on Mars, they'd be dinner, not messengers.Saturn, on the other hand, has a much better planet-wide information and entertainment network. They call it call the Outernet. But Martians, like Earthlings, are forbidden to have access to it. Saturnites are afraid that their relatively safe and secure, family-friendly, global communications network will go to hell in a chamber pot within two days if Earthlings get their grubby mitts on it. And they're absolutely right. The Saturn Outernet would soon be just another sleazy money-making tool for Hollywood and the Russian mob, just like Earth's Internet, if Earthlings had anything to do with it. That's why the Saturnites are the real Untouchables in this solar system.
But what Saturn has against Martians is beyond me. The only Martians left on Mars are homeless Earthling bums like me who were dumped here by the Grays after the creepy little light-bulb heads rejected our DNA as unsuitable for bubble-head breeding stock. Thank heavens for that. Besides, most of us Martian transplants are way too busy foraging for food or foraging for other bums who have food to cause Saturn any trouble. Theft and robbery are full-time jobs out here. Hell, it's enough to make me miss my shopping cart and my appliance carton back on Earth. I gave up missing my recliner months ago. No, it wasn't a goddamn Barcalounger.
