Things I Don't Miss About Earth

There are a few things I miss about Earth before I got downsized into the streets. Like my cushy service-industry job, for instance, where hanging up on an abusive customer was not only allowed but eagerly anticipated as part of a CSR's Napoleon-wannabe day. And eating pizza and drinking beer, which was always a single activity for me and not two separate ones.

Then there was my non-La-Z-Boy recliner that did the same work as a goddamn Barcalounger at a fraction of the cost. OK, so I couldn't afford the delivery charges and gave an unemployed guy a case of beer to haul it from the mall for me in his pickup truck. Big-ass deal. I still got to watch TV in a semi-supine position and isn't that what the American Dream is? To live it up? Especially if you're drinking beer, eating pizza and watching TV in your recliner at the same time. What do you think Valley Forge was all about?

Shit. Now I'm getting off the goddamn track, here.

Oh, yeah. As I was saying, there are a few things I miss about Earth but there are a lot more things I don't miss about Earth. Here's a dozen of them:

1. Bagpipes
2. The song "Amazing Grace"
3. "Amazing Grace" being played on bagpipes
4. Watching fat families overeat at McDonald's
5. Buying water
6. Selling blood
7. Tipping
8. Politics
9. Religion
10.War
11 Religious wars
12. Those annoying little "pop-up" people at the bottom of your TV screen

Still, when you come to think of it, these are twelve things that are a lot more fun than playing hide-and-seek with other homeless bums on Mars for the last fourth of somebody's Sky Bar. Or ducking whenever a rogue Reptilian takes pot shots at us with a pocket Ray Gun, just to relieve the tedium of his or her monotonous day. But, I'd rather be a homeless bum roaming the Cydonia ruins than raiding dumpsters in America for food that was thrown out by spoiled creeps just because an approaching expiration date told them to.

A dead planet run by nobody is better than a living world run by the wrong people.

Editor's Note 4-6-13: No, none of the Fred Fortune posts are autobiographical tales about Michael Casher. Michael Casher was never a homeless bum from L.A. He was never a CSR who "hung up" on customers. He never stole a thing in his life and he was never employed by any kind of store. Fred Fortune is a fictitious character with a fictitious name and his life and times are fictional. For more information, read the sidebar texts. Thank you.