Coming Clean

There's a picture of me circulating in cyber space that really pissed me off when I saw it. Pissed me right off. I mean, everyone in the whole goddamn galaxy knows I'm on the lam from the Illuminati and from just about every planetary police force in this constellation, as well. And everybody knows that I'm wanted for retail theft and identity fraud. That's right, not identity theft. If I was a thief I'd only steal tangible things from other people, like Slim Jims and Mallo Cups. I'm also wanted for a host of other trumped-up charges which I'll never admit to. Not now and not ever. Not even for three squares a day and access to the best prison library in the entire space-time continuum.

But that isn't the point of this posting. The point is the goddamn picture below. Yeah, yeah, that's me. The Illuminati caught me over a year ago and turned me over to the Pluto Planetary Police for retail theft prosecution. The bastards only did this in order to degrade my cyber presence and to make me look more like a hungry freeloader than a conspiracy theorist. That's how the goddamn Illuminati combed me out of their hair. Pricks. But I escaped on their asses and now I'm free. If you can call this free, being dumped in the Mars underground by plasma-thirsty Grays after they didn't care for my particular flavor of DNA.

All right, then, all you snoops and busybodies and finger pointers, go ahead and laugh. So, I'm a little thin on top. Why do you think I wear this ridiculous hat? Because I want to look like a Sicilian peasant from 1890 who walks behind a donkey cart? Just wait'll I get my hands on the sorry-ass Plutonian cop who sold this mug shot of me to the Earth tabloids. I'll womp his ass good. If I can ever choke down enough Martian mushrooms, canal algae and ancient salt to have the energy to do it, that is.

Then, go head, Pluto copper. Make my day.