Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Anyway, I'm not just sitting around on my keister, waiting for Planet X to rattle Earth's electromagnetic cage, as it were. Not that there's a hell of a lot do on Mars, don't get me wrong. Foraging for mushrooms and algae and trying to locate a few drops of water in the mammoth underground caverns pretty much takes up an entire Martian day, if you really want to know the truth. But there are other things to do with the six or seven spare minutes left over each day and worrying about planet Earth is not one of them.

As I said before, most of us Martian cave dwellers are human abductees from Earth whom the Grays dumped here after they found out there was more alcohol and illegal substances in our blood than they anticipated. Which means they can't siphon us to fill their own tanks for breeding. The little clone asses. Cloning yourself nearly to death pretty much sums up the underlying truth about the Grays' intellectual capacity. Building spaceships that can flit in and out of Earth's atmosphere on the whisper of gravity isn't exactly a Nobel-Prize-winning achievement if you're too lazy to get it on with the old Gray lady once in a while and make some more of yourselves. Hell, any two-bit homeless asshole from any run-down American city could have told you that.

So, just what, exactly, am I doing in the meantime? What takes up my life activity when I'm not slugging it out with other Martian bums over part of a left-over Big Mac that someone had in their pocket when the Grays dumped their latest shipment of solar system rejects under the Cydonia Face?

Hell, I don't really know. Most of us are so goddamn tired from sucking red stones all day long for ancient salt — if you can find any stones left unsucked, that is — that we only have enough time to remind ourselves that the Grays are our real enemies and not the rich and powerful and selfish Earthlings who never gave us a single blessed thought from day one.

So, I'll try later to remember what the hell it was that I wanted to say. Then, if I can remember to write it down, I'll try to find the time to post it here. If I can remember my password.